can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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