My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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