I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
