Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I know her cup size but not her name....
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