____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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