He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
