Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
