I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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