he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
