I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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