I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
