My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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