walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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