the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
