I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
