I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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