btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dick very happy bro
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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