i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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