I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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