Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
