my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
