I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
