I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
