I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
