had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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