The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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