We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
