In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
