He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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