she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
