there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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