he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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