I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
