my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
