i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The power of my boobs compel you
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
