When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
