I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
