I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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