What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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