I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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