I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
