Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
