the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
