We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
