Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
