I accidentally had phone sex last night
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
