You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
