He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
