I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
