are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
